Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ...and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Oops - seems men in general think they always get the short end of the stick. There are exceptions, but this story rings a familiar bell with a lot of women.
A friend of mine used to board an older lady who was homeless. She had been married for 35 years, lived in a beautiful house on a gorgeous street, had 3 grown children and hadn't worked for over 20 years. Her husband up and left her for another woman, leaving her penniliess in the process. She recently died of nothing in particular, and her ex is prospering with the new wife.
It's real life stories like that that make me sad. Even though the no-fault divorce has tried to make things equitable for women in that position, loopholes and a crafty lawyer can still enable the guy to walk off with the lion's share and leave the wife in a dire situation.
Another case, a friend of my mother's, learned that after 27 years of marriage and 3 sons, that her husband had another family in a town north of here. It was with his former secretary (he was an accountant) and they had 4 sons together. My mom's friend died at 75 three years ago. He's still around, but at least his other wife left him for a younger man. And when my mom's friend went to sell her condo, she learned that husband had taken out such a huge mortgage on it, that all she was left with was a paltry sum, not enough to buy something else. Most of the rest of her days were spent in and out of hospitals.
