Hey everyone, whats going on. Seems things have been kind of busy lately. I just discovered that I might be good at doing some kind of dictation work. I type much faster when someone is telling me what to type. There is good money in that kind of stuff.
Anyways, what is everyone doing today? I have another OB appointment. Its the first since my last ultra sound. So I will hopefully at least find out how much the little guys weigh. I am telling you guys, that technician last time was horrible. Really didn't tell me anything. So hopefully the doctor will get me another US appointment, preferably for like tomorrow. That would be nice, I have to leave tomorrow at 10 anyways to get taxes done. They are also giving me that nasty orange stuff to drink before my blood sugar test. Yuck. I don't think I have any blood sugar issues but I don't really know what any of those symptoms are. Jolene is coming to the appt today, so she will get to hear their heartbeats. That should be fun actually.
So yeah, whats everyone doing? Jojo how did the meeting yesterday go?
Oooh, I'm so excited for you, Shelly. I can't wait for news of the babies. And sheesh, so many tests for pregnant women now. When I was having babies, all they did was poke around, weigh me, tell me I was gaining too much ( we were only supposed to gain 20 pounds), no food or drink restrictions, so different now. It's a miracle I had hale and healthy babies considering all the "wrong" things I did when expecting them. And all my friends my vintage as well.
I'm stuck home with the cleaning lady today. She's not here yet, as usual. Ted's doing some work for Tony downstairs in his office, then he'll head out after lunch to the CBC. I wish he'd go downtown earlier because with this schedule, he's seldom home much before 7:30 and that puts me in the kitchen late into the evening. Ugh.
I don't have much planned today. Yesterday, I had a mammogram which had been rescheduled from last week, because of the snow. I went for a regular screening (overdue!!), and I casually mentioned that I seem to have a small cyst. (It wasn't a concern for me because I get these, and was fairly certain that it was a nothing...) The technician couldn't see it on the digital image, so she called my doctor to get a new prescription, and then took me to ultrasound.
I was grateful for her concerns, and for being so thorough. After an extra hour or so at Alexandria Hospital, I was finally released with a clean bill of health! YAY...
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Sorry I have gone missing again. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I don't even know how to talk about what's going on. All I know is that I've come to some interesting realizations with how my life and marriage are, and I'm not happy at all. Well, my life isn't terrible, but things with Floyd have not been good since years ago when he left me for a while and stayed at my best friend's. I was such a weak person then and I needed him to love me because I didn't love myself. Now, well, I don't need that. Now I realize that he is so mean to Cody, even when he's trying to be nice, he's mean. I feel like I have let my little boy down so badly.
I'm realizing too, that through our marriage, he's done everything he can to isolate me from my friends and almost my family. If my family had something to say about him that he didn't like, he'd convince me that they were out to get us. I realized recently that I went from having many friends to having none at all. When I want to go do something with my friends he makes me feel like dirt. He's promised so many times to change, to treat Cody better. It's good for a month or two then back to the name calling, the accusations, the belittling. I cannot even look at Floyd the same way anymore. I almost hate him for everything and that's just terrible of me, because I should have done more to keep things in line. Now, I just don't know what to do.
He's actually creeping me out now. I think he knows that I've had enough. There have been times in the past few months that he's almost forced himself on me. I am not sure if he realizes it or not either. When he's mean he thinks he can go buy me something and make it all better.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I had a talk with him the other night. I told him straight out that I am going to give it some time and I `need to think. I feel terrible though because I don't like hurting him and I don't want to destroy my family. He can be a good father sometimes, but only when I tell him what to do or bitch and moan until he gets off the couch and does something with the kids. I have asked him every week for 4 summers now to play catch with Cody, and it's never happened. His best friend has taken Cody fishing, but not him. If he goes he leaves Cody behind.
Sometimes I think he loves the idea of a family and the way it looks, but doesn't want to do the work. I think way too much right now, but I also have learned that I deserve better and so does Cody. SO do Beth and Aiden because if he's like this with Cody, who is to say he won't follow suit with them too. I deserve to be able to go do something with my girl friends without having 24 missed calls and 12 new text messages asking why I'm so late when I've only been gone for an hour. I deserve to come home and have someone who will ask if I had a good time and not give me a guilt trip for doing something with friends. Who won't lie to me and say that he ran me a bath when evidently no water has been run since before I left for work. I deserve to walk into a house that looks somewhat as clean as when I left and for piles of folded laundry to not be sitting on the floor in a pile of salt because he's too fucking lazy to clean something up.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting again. I just .. I don't know anymore guys. I just don't know.
I'm so sorry that things have been so rough for you, Jessica. Have you tried counseling together? If Floyd really wants to change, then he should be willing to do it. If he's not willing to work for it, then that tells you something too...
Whatever you decide, it is NOT okay for any child to be belittled, and that has to stop. Like now! Whether or not you should have put your foot down sooner is beside the point. You can put it down now, and place it firmly on the floor. These kinds of comments can have life-long ramifications for a child, and I know you don't want that.
You're welcome to rant here anytime you need to!! We're all here for you...
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Oh Jess, I'm sorry for the bumpy patch. It's not the least bit easy working full time and having a house full of kids too. But it IS good that you're thinking about this and getting ready to address it one way or another.
Such a rough situation, I can't tell you what to do but I think that the therapy thing makes sense. And I also agree with Moore that you can rant here anytime. We don't mind. Besides if it wasn't for you we wouldn't have this board.
Thanks guys. I'm still waiting on the therapy to come through. I asked 6 or 7 months ago and he keeps telling me oh I've called and they have to call me back .. yadda yadda yadda.. I'm giving him one more month. The way our insurance is set up he has to call his EAP in order to set up all counseling sessions, unfortunately spouses can't. So I figure if he doesn't come through within the month, I'm done waiting and that's it. I have a friend at work who is pulling for me either way it goes. She has given me great advice on therapy and how to handle talking with him about the kids, and she's also given me some good advice on what to do next if it all falls through.
I know one thing. I know that if we can't make it through this, I want him to still be a big part of our kids' lives. When we did have our last talk, we agreed that he would be an active part of the kids' lives and we would still be parents and friends even if we cannot be husband and wife.
Thanks for all the support guys. I really needed to get it all out.
