You guys, I just don't get it. Ok maybe I do. My life is just the fodder for a very good soap opera yet to be written. We had a great Thanksgiving yesterday. My cousin Angie just came back from Texas (you know the one who we let stay at our house and brought her crazy gf). It was good to see that she was back. We all figured things were turned around, and that the crazy girlfriend was a thing of the past. We spent a great time after dinner laughing, reminiscing, and playing dice lol (I actually came out ahead). Then today I experienced my very first Black Friday. I was up bright and early at 4 am my mom and step dad picked me up at about 15 till and I got everything I needed from there except for a few very minuscule things. The MP3 player that my aunt was going to try to get me was sold out in the first few minutes of Shopko's opening, so eh what can ya do. I actually had fun with my mom and step dad which I haven't really gotten to do in ages. Oh I got a great new fax machine, scanner, printer combo for 25 dollars. It sure beats the 25.00 that I was about to have to pay for new ink haha. This way I now have two ink cartridges that will work for the same printer and I can get the other one refilled at Walgreens for cheap. Anyways I digress.
When I got to my mom's to pick up Cody (he stayed at his gram's last night with Uncle Alex), my cousin asked if she could come over. I explained it could only be for a little bit because I had to return my grandma's car to her (Floyd is at work today making double time and a half .. yay lol) by 3. So on our way to town she mentioned that she might get the chance to see her kids ... translation = Hope is using her boys to get Angie back and it's working. So she asked if she and the kids could spend time together at my house tomorrow. Now here's the interesting part. I really wanted to just tell her Hell no.. are you crazy but instead I had a very bad physical reaction. I think I know what people feel like when they have "nervous breakdowns". I normally have very low blood pressure ... well not today. My heart started beating and I was sick. I couldn't talk I couldn't think straight. I was just in a state of panic, shock, rage, disgust, and actual fear for my family because somewhere inside of me I feel like this woman could bring horrible things to anything she comes near. Not to mention I knew that she would want me to keep this from my family and I can't do it. ON top of it all Floyd had talked to her the night before and told her that if she got hired on at AT&T he would help her out in every way and as long as Hope was out of the picture he would consider letting her stay in the basement. I love my cousin so much, but now I feel so betrayed really. I don't want her with this Hope girl just as much as the rest of the family, but I want her to be happy. I know that the best thing for her is to just keep her from getting anywhere near Hope, even if she's sick, which I don't even think I believe. Apparently the woman has a mass in her lungs. I know that feeling it's a load of crap may be mean, but I don't really care. If she does God forgive me for this, but she brought it upon herself. I just learned the other day that she was high while at our house. Anyways I took my cousin out to lunch to try and maybe talk to her and to get over the shock as well (It didn't work). WEll during lunch Angie kept mentioning how she was going to get a good job and try to work at Cingular and that Floyd offered to help her out (ha she left out big chunks of the convo). Then she started asking questions about the house, and everything.. including the basement. God I just got our home how I want it. I can't let her move in I just can't do it. My sister in law is one thing. She helps, she doesn't sleep all day. She's so bright and shiny lol. Angie was the complete opposite while HOpe was with her and who's to say that won't happen again. Anyways I ramble now.
So after running my errands I take Angie back to my mom's (she stayed over the weekend like she always does. It's kind of a tradition which might be ending though now oops). Then this dread, regret, remorse, fear, anger, and gult hit me. I was shaking and just a mess. SO I went to grams to drop off her car and I told her everything. I couldn't hold it back another second. I know Angie didn't want me to, but I can't keep this a secret. I could never keep anything at all a secret from my grandma, especially something this big. I respect her too much for that. Not to mention she could tell something was wrong and I needed to talk to someone. All the while I had been texting with Floyd as well telling him the situation. My mom had called and I told mom that she was thinking about talking to hope without actually saying it. I was kind of worried that if Angie knew she wouldn't get to do what was planned she might leave and try to find a different way. My main goal was to get her to my mom's and out of the same town as Hope, who is staying at a homeless shelter here in town. I didn't even know we had a homeless shelter. So my mom is taking care of everything. I feel a lot better, and will feel even better when I get to take the nerve pill that I have been saving up for just this occasion. I still feel bad though for ratting out my cousin. I know that I did the right thing, but I can't help but feel bad for having to do things this way. She trusted me to keep this secret, when she didn't trust anyone else and at the same time I feel like an idiot because I don't think it's that she trusted me, but she figured that of all people I would be dumb enough to let her do this. I feel like my intelligence has really been bitch slapped. I don't know if I keep typing I'll have gone through the gamut of emotions so I am just going to stop.
It has taken me A LOT of years to learn this lesson, but this old lady is going to pass it on to you for free: you can't save everyone, and you can't rescue your cousin...
Yes, you love her. Yes, she's family, but you can't micromanage her life for her. If she gets back with Hope, that's her issue -- NOT YOURS!
And,no -- she can't live in your basement. It's your home, and not a boarding house for people to move in and out of every so often. ENOUGH!
Wish your cousin well, pray for her, and then focus on your own family. I mean -- seriously, is everything absolutely perfect in your own life right now? If so, then I'm envious! And, if so, then ENJOY IT, and don't sabbotage your own well-being by borrowing someone else's problems! When your cousin needs your emotional support again (and she will), then by all means, tell her you love her, and wish her well. Stop there, and DON'T invite HER problems into YOUR life!
I know that this sounds terribly cold -- especially here at the holidays when it involves a member of your extended family -- but I'm trying to save you a lot of years of anxiety, and grief. You CAN'T rescue her, or manage her life. You just can't. Your own immediate family's needs should be your priority, and you should address those needs without feeling guilty over not addressing someone else's ongoing issues.
Now, go to bed, and sleep well...!!!
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Good advice, Moore. It's what I was going to say, but you just said it better.
Jess, please don't let her in. She'll just revert to the same old behavior, and bring that mess back with her. You take care of your children. That's all you need to worry about.
You've got your hands full with your own family, Jess. Taking on your cousin's problems isn't going to "help" her at all. She needs to solve them some other way. That kind of manipulation is poisonous, as you've already discovered. You must tell her NO and be done with it.
So the night went very well. I think my cousin gets the picture. She is welcome to come visit occasionally (no over nights) I want a friendship with her and not to be her boarding house. My aunt is probably furious over the whole thing because she told her that she would not send her a dime if she was going back to her old ways. I think what makes me maddest is that Cody feels bad because he wanted to spend time with her and have her sleep over. She told him she was going to play with him etc.. but just after a few minutes of spending time with her I knew that she had no intentions of doing that no matter what she said. She was more worried about her own agenda, and Cody was just something to pass the time while it was convenient for her. I had to find a way to explain to him why Angie is how she is, which was a very watered down version of the truth. He also wanted to know why Angie was calling some other woman's kids her kids. I feel so bad for him that I've considered giving him his Shrek the 3rd movie early lol.
Thank you guys all so much for the advice. Thanks especially Moore, because I was feeling bad for kind of betraying her, but I knew it was the best thing for my kids. I was worried that I was being selfish, but screw it. That has gone out the door a long long time ago.
Oh and of course when I got off the Internet with you all last night, another plot twist occurred. The shadow home called my house (Hope). At first she hung up as soon as Floyd answered the call, then she called back and he told her to lose the number. You know that's the first time in a long time that I've been impressed with my hubby. Now if I could just get him to take out the trash.
It looks like we're ALL on the same page with this one -- including Floyd!
YAY...!!!
You've made the right decision, Jess. Now stick to it, and don't look back.
My husband loves to use the analogy of a camel sticking its nose under a tent. If you allow the nose to poke through, before you know it, the entire camel will be in there with you. It's true. If your cousin gets you to reconsider the overnight, pretty soon she'll have you reconsidering a COUPLE of nights, and before you know it, she'll be living in that basement. Just don't give her the chance in the first place.
Good girl, Jess... We're all proud of you!
(stupid typo)
-- Edited by Moore ideas at 13:56, 2007-11-24
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
I like to think we do lol. I don't think she's dumb enough to try any more stupid tricks. THen again I didn't think she was dumb enough to go back with Hope. She is worth more than that ... or at least there was a time that she was worth more than that.
Have you spoken with Cody and explained this all to him? It would help if you sat down with him and explained what is happening and why it's happening, and that it's not his fault. Be truthful and upfront with him. I'm a big believer in being upfront with children. They are smarter than we all think, and very perceptive.
Yeah I had to explain to him what gay means and why his cousin likes girls. He was afraid because he thinks Angie will go to hell because she is a lesbian so talk about a hard conversation
