Hello, friends. I apologize for not being around a lot lately. I've been home, but I've been going through a pretty severe funk, or depression. Jackson's behavior has been worsening, and so I had been very worried and upset about it. We went to the doctor, had the meds changed, and he became worse. There were emergency meetings at school, and we had to switch him back to the old meds. All around, very stressful and depressing, because as a mother, it makes me feel like a failure.
Speaking of failures, I've been beating myself to death over this next one. Monday night, I thought Jackson had simply used the bathroom before heading to sleep. I peeked in on him after a bit, saw him sleeping and headed to bed myself. About 12:30 a.m., I awoke to him screaming, I went in the bedroom, and saw him flailing. I could not get him to wake and was afraid of the dream he might be having. It was then I looked over and saw a prescription pill bottle on the floor. I was petrified to pick it up, and when I did, saw that it was empty. It had contained probably about 10-15 muscle relaxers that I was prescribed last year after a car accident. I had completely forgotten about them. I thought I had thrown them away,as I did with the vicodin after I was feeling well again. However, they were apparently in the large makeup case that sits on the back of the toilet in the bathroom. He had apparently rifled through it and gotten into them. I figure this, because I also found a makeup brush on his bedroom floor. I called 911, and he was whisked to the hospital. The doctors figured the drugs had been in his system for a while, so stomach pumping was out. It takes several hours for symptoms of overdosing on things like muscle relaxers to show up. He was simply put on an IV and monitored very, very closely in the ICU. The doctor explained the relaxers simply had to run their course in his system. It was scary. But, he got better quickly. We were allowed to come home this morning, after he awoke feeling like new. He was eating, talking and playing as usual. Right now he's napping, which the doctors said might happen as this has been a very taxing event for him.
I'm just thankful and relieved he didn't get a hold of something worse, and that this turned out the way it did. My stomach STILL hurts over the thoughts of what might have been. I'm now on a safety spree in the house. I feel an insane amount of guilt over it, and I'm doing a lot of inspecting and installing of safety items to make sure this doesn't happen again.
So, in summation, it's honestly just been a craptacular few weeks, and I apologize for the absence.
Oh dear God, Jojo! Thank goodness it's all over, at least the scary part with the pills. It sounds like a guardian angel was watching over the both of you, as horrible as it all was.
Is there anything we can do to help you? Are you confident in Jackson's doctor? What kind of meds is he taking?
Oh jojo what an absolutely scary time for you! I'm SO grateful that everything turned out okay for Jackson; a parent just never knows what a child is going to do next.
Many years ago, our oldest daughter had been put safely to bed (as had her younger siblings), and my husband and I had settled down peacefully to watch a little ice skating. About fifteen minutes into the show, we heard a blood-curdling scream from our oldest, and went running up to her bedroom.
She's always been very artistic. Inspired by her new challenges as a Brownie, she decided to pull out her pen knive, and carve some random piece of styrofoam into something interesting, but had instead cut her hand very badly, quite near the inside of her wrist. Blood was spurting everywhere... So instead of watching the Winter Olympics, we made a dash for the emergency room where our first-born received stitches. She'll be 25 in July, and she STILL sometimes has strange sensations in her thumb.
So much for "safely tucked in for the night"!!!
Jojo -- don't beat yourself up. Accidents do happen, and while a parent always feels guilty over anything that goes wrong with their child (major or minor), it won't help either you or Jackson to carry this burden. (Of course, I say this as the world's worst offender; I've taken myself on so many guilt trips that I've probably been around the world a dozen times by now! KaeEll will confirm the fact that this tendency doesn't diminish just because one's kids are grown, and out of the house either.)
As far as your depression is concerned -- been there too! If it doesn't go away in the next week or so, you might want to go on medication on a temporary basis. Just long enough to jolt you back out of it again. Otherwise, it may be more difficult to purge if you allow it to reside inside yourself for too long.
Again, don't beat yourself up over having the depression either! It WILL pass, either with some help, or on its own. You've had a rough time lately so some depression is to be expected.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us, though. It's always better to talk about these things, and we're all here for you!
Give Jackson some extra kisses from all of us...
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Thank you, ladies. I know I really shouldn't beat myself up over it all, and I'm trying not to, but as you know, it's difficult.
Kae, I'm fairly confident with Jackson's doctor. He was on the Daytrana patch for ADHD, and has been for about a year and a half. He was regressing a bit at school, so we thought we'd try something new. She prescribed Concerta, and it was a disaster. So, he went back on the patch Monday morning. She also placed him on Risperdal for the agression and restlesness in the evening. I had no idea though that Risperdal is an anti-psychotic, and I'm just not going to give that to him anymore. There is also some issues with it causing diabetes in children. I'm making an appointment with the doctor again, and she is a very hands on, caring doctor. She is referring him to a child psychiatrist here in town so that Jackson may have another evaluation for his ADHD, since it was caused by brain trauma.
Everyone around me has been telling me that accidents do happen, and it's just good that this was not as serious as it could have been. And the depression has been getting a little better. I've tried to just learn to be strong and forge ahead. I'm trying to accept that this will be a lifelong issue for Jackson and just deal with it. It's hard though.
Moore, a friend of mine had a similar accident, and she too feels weird sensations in her hand from time to time. The doctor said she probably would. How scary! I know how you must have felt when you heard your daughter scream. It's the most scary intense moment in a parent's life.
And I know that if the depression continues, that I will likely have to seek help for it. But, I can say that it had lifted a bit, until Monday night of course. While I'm feeling okay at the moment, I can hardly bear to let Jackson out of my sight!
And Kae, I'm convinced we had a guardian angel with us. The awful scary thought did creep into my mind though...Jackson has been near death before, when he was 7 months old and abused by my creep ex and was saved then...what if he, or I, runs out of guardian angels? It is a silly thought, and I can't explain it much better.
Thanks again, and I'll make sure to give Jackson those extra kisses!
Jodi I'm so sorry to hear about all of your tribulations! I know you must be absolutely guilt stricken, but like they said, don't be. You are a terrific mother and it's very clear that you love Jackson with every fiber of your being.
As for the depression, I too have been there. I got it in high school very badly mainly spurred by the fear, stigma, and pressure of being the stereotypical teen age mother. I even got so stressed over my looks that I adopted a terrible eating disorder and had to be hospitalized in the mental health wing of the hospital. That's pretty much where all of the youth with any type of psychological issues were put instead of sending them to a long term care facility. Oddly enough, while I was there I realized that I was much better off than my peers. One girl was so thin we could see every bone and she had less than 3 percent fat on her body. My room mate was a 14 year old nympho maniac who confided in me for the first time a lot of her problems. Of course 2 days into my stay I got very ill and yhad to undergo every test they could perform. My phsychiatrist never once came to the hospital until my last day at which point I told him I wanted to go home. Yeah he was a quack! There was another young girl who was admitted after attempting suicide. Her mother was one of the sweetest nicest women you'll ever meet. She loved her so much and Jodi just like she didnt' do any wrong, neither have you. Single mom's have it particularly hard, it just means that you have to have the strength of 2 people. Luckily for me the experience helped me more than anything else could've.
I still get a bit depressed every now and then, but I have a few tricks that help me that might work for you. Try spending as much time outside as you can. Women are just lucky enough t be influenced by the weather, and when it's dreary out for long some of us tend to get depressed. Winter is the worst time for women and depression. So try to get some sun. Try to treat yourself to something even if it's little and cheap. You might be strapped for cash, but it is so important to put a little aside for you too. Make a really special dinner for you and Jackson and have a mommy son date night. Just a few ideas. I hope somethign works for ya. One big thing is just forcing yourself to get up get out of the house and do something. It's very easy to be depressed when you're at home and alone with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Oh goodness Jojo you have been busy. And about that last thing you said, I don't think we run out of guardian angels. God has plenty to go around. And thank heavens you guys had one with you. I am so happy to hear that everything is getting better. But you don't need to apologize to us, we understand that life happens and sometimes you need to be away. Just happy to hear that you are doing okay now.
Oh i wanted to mention this also jojo. We just had a very close call with Cody. You know all of this talk about sex offenders and keeping our children safe is getting to be almost too much. Everywhere you turn lately it's being mention. Well, Cody of course is a smart lil fella and when he hears about these things he really takes it to heart, not to mention he recently got scolded for not coming home on time one day.
Well, the other day our friend Scott and his son Quentin was over and all of the kids were playing in Cody's room. Well, Bethany came out with my FILET KNIFE! she told me she had found it under Cody's pillow (well it was between mattresses but she of course thought of them as the pillow). After talking to him he told me he stole it from the drawer because he was afraid of the sex offender.
Well, here's the big reason why. The other day, Cody, and his friends were out playing and heading down to the neighbor girl's house. Well a car drove around the street a few times and slowed down in front of the kids every time. Well, there just so happened to be a cop on the street at the time ( I think he was unlocking a car door or something because there were never any sirens or lights), and I guess one of the kids said he looked like one of the sex offenders his mother had warned him against (this really freaks me out because part of me says oh why would you scare your child like that but part of me says that it's good that he knows who to stay away from). So the kids went and told the cop about what was going on. The cop acknowledged him and said ok that sounds like DJ Reese. Well, when Cody filled me in on all of the details I looked him up and sure enough he'd just recently been added to the list. He's barely a block and a half away, and I think maybe 5 feet out of the close proximity to a school law.
I guess this scared him enough that he wanted to sleep with this knife becasue he was worried that the guy would get him through his window. It scared me to death though because any one of the children could have gotten itl.
Oh Jojo, I feel your pain. That must have been the scariest moments, waiting to see if the IV would work!
Having three kids, I can tell you, they keep you on your toes every minute!!
Your story could help others, send an email out reminding parents to keep meds up high or toss them. And have people forward to like 20 people each, that kind of thing!
Thank God for our Angels, I know they are around, and I pray extra for them to watch over my kids when I am busy.
I feel like a bad parent because my 14 year old is so unorganized in school. He's smart but won't hand his homework in, because he either forgets or loses it! Frustrating!
Don't feel bad Tina, I was the same way for a while and finally it all just clicked. Sometimes you just have to give them some time to find their stride.
Angels are definitely around us. I've had a few grab me by the shoulders, and give me a good shake when it became necessary, over the years! Believe me...
I'm just so grateful that you and Jackson are both fine. Don't obsess of the "what ifs" or you'll just stay emotionally low.
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Jojo, I don't know if you'd be inclined, but a really skilled Reiki therapist could help you. Reiki can clear out energy blockages and might very well help you feel better. I've only had two sessions myself, and both of them made an enormous difference. All that guilt is debilitating; understandable, but a negative, for sure.
As you guys know, I'm a huge proponent of energy therapies as I've had so much success with them. Just had to toss that out for your consideration, Jojo.
Wow, thanks for all the suggestions and warm support! It really means a lot! Kae, I always look forward to yours, because they are always so interesting and def worth looking into! Well, I look forward to everyone's of course!
Jess, I had no idea you went through that! You are a strong woman! And HUGS for the scary knife incident! We have a sex offender living in our complex too, so I know what you are going through.
Tina, I'm definitely interested in letting all my friends know, especially those who are mothers now, to keep the meds hidden away. The guilt is horrible, but as you all said, I can't let it steer my life.
Jackson is completely back to normal. We're gonna go for a check up next week just to make sure though.
And I know deep down that there are plenty of guardian angels. It's just one of those thoughts that cross your mind when you are sitting by that hospital bed hoping that one is somewhere near.
