My mother has been estranged from her only living sister for many years. Their last dispute was over an incapacitated brother as the sister tried to take over his life and small fortune. She was stopped at the eleventh hour and she and her husband left town and went back to the southern USA where they had lived for decades. Then yesterday, out of the blue, the sister called my mother to wish her a happy birthday, all cheery and sweet as pie. Even my father, who can be as cynical as the next guy when it comes to my mother's family members (such a long and very gruesome story) said my aunt was SO very nice on the phone, if he didn't know better he'd have thought she was on something.
So last night I did a little internet search and learned that my aunt and her elderly husband, who is now in his nineties (she married an "older fellow" when she was in her late teens) have moved 15 times in 20 years!! Fifteen times!! And so I started thinking about what could possible have motivated this aunt to phone my mother like that. They are now back in Florida in a small town, could only have been there for 8 years or fewer, and in that place, they have moved into 5 different residences. These are elderly people here! My aunt is already 83.
So when my father told me a short while ago that my mother had invited them to come visit and stay with them, I nearly fainted!
What do you think is going on here? I have my worst suspicions working overtime. I think they are clean out of money and want to have a free place to live. There's an outside chance that my aunt has learned of my poor little mother's condition through any number of cousins that may have been in touch with her, particularly one cousin who was complicit in the ailing uncle scam.
At one point, when my father made a big deal of giving me the aunt's telephone number that he retrieved from his phone, I thought of calling her to say hello and attempt to find out the scoop. Now, I'm very hesitant to do so, lest this gesture become an encouragement to my aunt to swoop in for the kill.
So please, what's going on? Could it be that after all this time, the sister has decided life is too short and would like to make amends for years of bad blood? Or are my worst suspicions more on target?
I'm a firm believer in paying close attention to our instincts because they're usually right. And everytime I've ignored my own, I've ended up regretting it!!
I smell a rat.
Now, it's certainly POSSIBLE that this sister has changed over the years, but I don't think that's the usual pattern, unless she's had some kind of MAJOR epiphany. Usually, people's bad habits and/or bad traits tend to become WORSE with age, and one's basic character rarely changes at 80. Unless your aunt is terminally ill, and is afraid to meet her Maker with the way things currently stand, I would be worried about her motives too.
Fifteen moves in twenty years is a lot. I don't suppose the 90-something husband is currently active military, is he?!
I think this aunt of yours is looking to convince your mother that YOU don't have her best interests at heart (and your father is already a bit testy with you sometimes), and that they ought to give your aunt Power of Attorney, and Medical Power of Attorney. That's what I think!
These things are very insidious; my sister and I went through it with our grandparents. Their little group of "friends" down in Roanoke (four hours away from where I live) had virtually convinced them that we were greedy little bitches who would slap our grandparents into a nursing facility faster than anyone could say "sign on the dotted line." This, of course, wasn't even remotely true, but WAS true for the "friends"!! Thank God my sister's husband was a lawyer because at one point Barbara and I had thought of going to court to see if we could be awarded guardianship. My brother-in-law pointed out that, while a court might agree with us that our grandparents needed someone to take care of their affairs, it might NOT agree that it ought to be us!! We backed off, so as not to play right into the hands of our grandparents' "friends".
So, my advice is to tread very carefully here, but also to keep your eyes and ears open. Lord, KaeEll -- Barbara and I used to just lie awake at night over this stuff, but if it's any consolation, it all worked out in the end.
I don't know what to tell you about calling your aunt because I would probably be inclined to do the same thing. You could always do it under the guise of inquiring about how she's been all of these years (friendly-friendly), and ask where she's been, and what she's done. You might be able to get a feel for what it is that your aunt wants of/from your parents, without tipping your hand. Of course, you don't want to rock the boat either.
Anyway, Florida is VERY far away from Canada! Would your parents actually be inclined to go down there?? I'll tell you this: If they decide to take your aunt up on her very "kind" offer, you'd better get yourself a ticket too! No way should this aunt be allowed to have any private conversations with your parents when you're not within earshot! I'll tell you why... My sister and I actually went so far as to leave a conniving couple alone with our grandmother one night while we went out to dinner. We wanted to give them privacy (ha). This couple was very influential in our grandmother's life (the husband was the head of their Kingdom Hall), and Brother Bible had promised that he would try to direct our grandmother into making a certain decision that she needed to make.
Fortunately, Barbara and I had left a voice-activated tape recorder under the couch!! Oh, yes we had. The first thing we did, once we got back, was to listen to these two slithering snakes tell our grandmother exactly the OPPOSITE of what they'd promised, and pump her for information on her bank account! Just as we'd expected. I swear, Barbara and I both felt as though we'd suddenly become card-carrying members of the CIA for all we had to do down there!
Perhaps I'm simply jaded from my own experiences with my grandparents, my sister-in-law, my husband's cousin, and too many others to mention. My bottom-line advice for the moment is, "Don't turn your back!!"
(I just realized that I misread the part about your parents' going to Florida. It was your parents who invited the sister and old guy up to Canada. Still, my advice is the same. Make certain that you're close by, if these two decide that they're able to make the trip. You might be able to discourage it though.)
-- Edited by Moore ideas at 17:05, 2008-10-06
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Thanks, Moore. The one thing going in our favour here is the distance and I rather doubt that they would fly up here and spend that money, and the husband was a scary as heck driver 30 years ago, can not imagine him driving all that way now. On the other hand, if they figure they'd hit pay dirt with my mother's condition, it would be an investment, wouldn't it?
The oddest part for me is all those moves. Who the heck moves that often at THAT stage of life, unless, of course, there's a rent and eviction problem. And yet their first home was paid off long, long ago.
I will stay very close to this situation, call my aunt tomorrow, possibly her eldest daughter in Williamsburg. We had been very close for the longest time, but I took a hit with the uncle when he sued me and the story my cousin got was very off-base (to put it mildly) and she hasn't wanted to speak to me since. It was shortly thereafter that the aunt moved into my uncle's penthouse, attempting to take over with power of attorney and a changed will. She was a real piece of work then, and I guess she hasn't changed at all since. Sigh.
And so it continues. Ted and I had so hoped with the burial of the two worst of the siblings in my mother's family, that the toxic situation would come to an end. Apparently that's not the case.
If it's the airfare that's keeping your aunt away from Canada, that might not be enough. She could always guide your parents into offering to pay for the ticket!
I'm not trying to bring down your optimism on that front, but am only trying to think of all possibilities in this scenario.
Also, paying off the first house doesn't necessarily mean that they would still have any money left over -- especially if that was a long time ago. They may have used up whatever they had, or created some bad debts in the meantime. I certainly agree with you that moving five times in eight years, when it's an elderly couple we're talking about, is a bit excessive! Most elderly couples want to stay put, or move in with their kids.
I don't think I know the back story of your being sued by your uncle! This is the husband/uncle, not the brother/uncle, right?? Or am I already confused?
I'm not sure about calling the cousin just yet... I think that you may need to know a little more about what's going on first. Especially if that cousin still believes that you're evil. She won't tell you anything.
Oy.
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
I kind of feel like you should call the cousin if only to try and get a better feel of the situation. Sometimes you can hear things in someones voice that wasn't heard before. I do agree with Moore and it sounds like with you in that you need to keep a very close eye on this situation.
Towards the end of my grandmothers life my aunt (the youngest of 7) became very controlling of everything of my grandmothers. She was definitely enjoying the free money that she got from having weaseled herself into the power of attorney and the bank accounts. In the end she wouldn't even let my grandmother go to any kind of group home where she would have been better taken care of because then there would be less money in the bank account when my grandma did finally die. It was just a nasty situation. It amazes me the horrible things that people can do to family when greed is involved.
The back story of getting sued is a long one, Moore. The uncle that sued me was one of my mother's brothers, not the man married to her sister, a full blood uncle. He was in a payment dispute with my husband (he actually refused to pay him for some work he did) and to retaliate, he sued ME. In the course of this idiotic lawsuit, his story was that I tricked this uncle into hiring Ted who he called a con artist. And, my mother knew that this was coming yet she never told me a thing about any of it. The first I heard of the lawsuit was the day I was served with the papers. So I hired myself a crackerjack litigator and had the whole stupid thing tossed out of court as frivolous, but it was a nasty experience.
That experience was only one of several over the course of my young adult years that I considered to be toxic. My mother's family had a history of internecine fighting and suing one another. The 3 brothers at one point owned stables of racehorses. That turned very unpleasant pretty darn quickly, and the brothers were steeped in lawsuits back and forth for years. The youngest brother, the only one still alive, now lives on welfare, and has for a decade. His brothers stripped him of everything, probably illegally, but he decided not to fight back any more, just let it all go. It's probably why he's alive and the others are not.
The one sister, the aunt in question here, moved from northern Ontario to Florida shortly after she married the "older fella" and isolated herself from all the drama going on up here. It wasn't until she smelled illness and incompetence in her older brothers that she surfaced. I think all of you are right that she is up to no good this time as well.
Shelly, I decided not to call my cousin unless there is any further contact between the sisters. I'm going to see my parents this afternoon for a good long chat. I will certainly warn them that these two people from Florida might try to wrangle air fare out of them, and that they must NOT succumb. My parents have been conned before, so I will need to remind them of that.
Thanks for the back story, KaeEll. I'm so sorry that you had to fight that ridiculous suit. These things can take their toll, even when we know we're in the right, because nothing is ever guaranteed. Stupid lawsuits have been won by those who had no basis for a suit in the first place, so it's unnerving when these things land in our laps. I'm thinking now of my husband's cousin who caused us to have to do battle several years ago. We won -- $20,000 later. Jim's sister falls into the "greedy, selfish, spiteful" category too, I'm sorry to say, so I understand a bit about your family dynamics. It's sad.
One more piece of advice, if you can stand it. Tread softly with your parents when addressing this issue. Be sweet! Don't get pulled into a confrontation when your parents become defensive about their conversations with the aunt, or their invitation. Approach it all as a point of interest, or as a curiosity. If you're in any way, shape, or form judgemental, or if it appear to them for a moment that you're trying to "control" them, you'll lose the battle.
I offer this up in the spirit of how my sister and I talked things through before settling on our various game plans...
__________________
"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
(Dumbledore to Harry Potter)
Well taken, Moore. I thought the best way to approach this with my parents is to recommend that they suggest a nearby hotel for the aunt and uncle should they insist upon coming up, because neither of my parents would be very comfortable with house guests. I'll be sweet and cheery. (Making a sour face here.)
You are SO right about them feeling as if I were trying to take control! I had a dose of what THAT meant a couple of weeks ago. I went to all sorts of trouble to rearrange schedules so that my mother could attend a funeral, my father resented it, and he went off to the funeral and reception without my mother, out of spite. He also lied about the hours of the events, just to teach me a lesson. I was furious, of course, not to mention how heartbroken mom was, but we learned a very clear lesson from that. When I asked him why he did that, he said "You were telling ME how all of it would take place". I got the message.
It's actually easier for me to deal with a petulant 3 year old.
