Over the past weekend I had lots of contact with the little ones over here and was pretty concerned that little V was becoming a tad too bratty, notwithstanding that she was overtired and cranky. There were a few incidents that irked me to no end and this morning I spoke to my son about it being high time for some empathy training. He didn't like that. At all. Here's what happened.
Little V told me about a gift she had made for her best friend, a painting done almost all in yellow. The friend rejected it, said she didn't like it and it hurt V's feelings. I told her that that was very ungracious of the friend and that it might be wise for her to remember that she didn't like having her feelings hurt that way, so the next time she has a reaction like her friend's, she should bear in mind that her words need to be carefully weighed so as not to pass along a hurt feeling to someone else. She got it. Shortly thereafter, she and her mommy were playing a game together and I entered the room to turn on the lights for them. Little V said "you're not allowed in this game, Nanny". I said nothing. This would have been the perfect time to say to her "that's not polite, Vanessa. You have hurt Nanny's feelings". (I wasn't hurt in the least, rather appalled that had I been a small child, I might very well have been.) But nothing was said.
My question is, when is it time to press the issue of the Golden Rule? Is it not vitally important to get this message across to young children the millisecond they are old enough to understand what it means to hurt someone's feelings? Isn't this the basis for all manners and civility? Some of you have small kids, so I ask, when do you draw the line at rudeness? Isn't 3 1/2 years old late enough in early childhood to begin insisting upon kind behaviour? I think so. What do you guys think?
Nope Kae, I agree with you. I think you have to jump in and set a good example and explain how things should be as soon as possible and re-enforce it often. Yeah I'd say 3 1/2 years is a little late to start addressing it because it should be address as soon as possible. We do it with my 2 year old niece all the time.
However I think the Golden Rule got strangled for the Golden Goose. Everyone wants things their way thanks to years of society telling everyone you must have this and no one should make you feel bad because of it. Welcome to the end of times Kae. LOL.
No but seriously I think that part of the problem and that parents nowadays don't spend as much time with kids as they used to and that time isn't really the quality that it needs to be. To be quite frank, a lot of parents from my generation suck. They truly do stick their kid down in front of whatever electronic device and say have at and spend no time with kids. Part of it is because they're busy with work/school/life hassle/etc but part of it is because a lot of parents nowadays are flat out, lazy asses. I can't get away from whatever to do my job as a parent.
Now I'm not saying that this is what caused this issue with your Little V or that her mom and dad are anything like the parents I described. However, I do think nanny shouldn't have to be the one to teach that lesson to her.
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Thanks, Brandon. I understand all too well about the Golden Goose thing, unfortunately. In this case, I am baffled because not only does my d-i-l spend almost ALL of her time with the kids, she is a devoted Montessori teacher (on extended mat leave) and will not allow the children to watch any television at all! She has activities set up for the kids all over the house (so much so that the place looks like a Montessori classroom, and I am being conservative here, lol), is fastidious about speech and will not allow colloquialisms and practically dives for cover if ever I let out an accidental "shit" having dropped something or whatever. And yet there is this enormous hesitancy to reinforce polite behaviour! My son said that they believe it might be too early on for V to grasp the concept, to which I said bull****, she was plenty old enough considering that she understood how it felt to have had her picture rejected by her playmate.
And so I wonder if there isn't too much thought put into this early childhood development business and too little reliance upon common sense and decency. I have lectured my son in the past about the necessity of instilling social graces into his kids, lest they turn out like his insufferable in-laws, who as well educated and professional as they are, lack ANY ability to behave in a manner we'd all consider to be gracious. I have no idea why they are like that, but my son agrees with me on that point and has for some time, so I wasn't stepping beyond the bounds of nanny-hood on that one, lol. (I try to be super careful to mind that I don't call them "The Grunts" in front of either of them, lol.)
Alas, I think that the Montessori methods and madness might well have taken over their good senses. I've spent enough time with little kids over the years to be able to see the distinct lack of manners in many of the children in the Montessori system to relate the one with the other. Something about stifling creativity, to which again, I say bull****, but what do I know? I know that all my kids knew well and good what it meant if I ever picked up and wielded a wooden spoon in their direction. I only walloped their backsides about twice, and when they were really really naughty doing something that was not only offensive but dangerous. But this generation of young parents (Montessori ones, anyway) don't even use a stern tone of voice in correcting behaviour! Not even when one of them did something that entailed a trip to the emergency room!
KaeEll, I think that it's never too early to begin teaching a child empathy, and 3-1/2 is certainly old enough. I have very early memories of my mother's asking me, "How would YOU feel if............."
Brandon makes a good point about how just about everything is forgiven these days because, God forbid we hurt the little brat's self esteem by scolding, or telling them that they're less than perfect! It can be confusing to a parent. And, then there's sports where one always wins a "personal best".
I think you handled things correctly by calling your son privately, and not embarrassing anyone in the moment. However (and here's another issue), we don't have the extended families that we used to, with aunts, uncles, two sets of grandparents, and older cousins living all around us. In these extended families, there's usually another member of the family around to say, "Oh, no you don't!" Even neighbors used to reprimand visiting playmates. I know that mine did, and the WORST possible thing that could have happened back then was for a neighbor to call one's parents to say that you'd misbehaved while in their home, or for a child to get "sent home". BAD consequences!! But those were the days when parents tended to have the same basic values, and they talked to each other, and checked to make certain that having the child over was convenient, etc., etc.
Your son and daughter-in-law should be very grateful that you're nearby, and that you care so deeply about their children.
In my opinion, you have every right, as the grandparent, to participating in Vanessa's upbringing, ESPECIALLY given the fact that you're frequently caring for her! It's your RIGHT, it's your RESPONSIBILITY, and it's your son's/d-i-l's PRIVILEGE to have you do it.
KaeEll, this was like pulling teeth with my oldest daughter, and I remember beginning these kinds of conversations with her when she was about Vanessa's age. Unfortunately, it didn't fully take! Maybe it's a factor of being the oldest. I don't know, but I believe that one can't begin too early when making a little one aware of others' feelings.
Just my opinion!!
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Thanks for the insights, Moore. I'm happy to read that you believe I DO have the right to pipe up about Vanessa, as poorly received as it was (he all but hung up on me this morning). I have to conclude that I hit a sore spot as his conscience must have been screaming at him. While Montessori is good in theory, much of the implementation of it is counter-intuitive, and I believe that's where the problem lies.
I agree...I don't think it's too early to start teaching the golden rule. The earlier you start, and more you reinforce it, the better off the child will be, and more polite at that. I can't believe DIL didn't say anything to V when she made the remark about you not being invited to play the game. I would have.
And you do have a say...You do provide a lot of care for V.
