Private, military, or boarding schools

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

Private, military, or boarding schools

shellyinphx · Long Lost DiMera Daughter

I dont like the idea of military school unless the kid was REALLY bad, and at the age of 8 its hard to believe he could be that bad. And I always think of military school as punishment, and you said he has ADHD..I dont think it would be right to punish him for something that really isnt his fault.

That being said, my little brother had ADHD, and not that public schools are all bad, but I think that if there was an option to put him in a private school of some kind then he might have turned out a lot better. I dont have much experience with that though, it was never an option for us growing up, public school all the way.

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

Yeah that's why I like the idea of a nice boarding school or private school type of environment that has people who can specialize with his ADHD and ODD.

Most importantly somewhere that will teach him self control and ways to cope with his rage issues because he's nearly hurt me and his sister pretty bad recently, and I don't want to pawn him off on some hospital or something like that, because he will feel like there is something wrong with him and that we just pawned him off on the system. I want him to know that we did put a lot of thought into a good school for him and that it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. I was talking with his counselor and she got to me when she said that sometimes as a parent you have to step back and consider whether or not you really can help your child and there are times that we have to realize that no matter how much we love him, that his problems are pretty big and that he's been pushed and pulled by so many different forces physically and mentally as well that sometimes only an outsider can really help him. She gave me some brochures for places around here, but I have to admit that they aren't as good as I'd like for him. I'd love to find something that can evenly balance a good education and preparatory curriculum and not as much discipline as social skills, and coping.

-- Edited by jessicad52178 at 13:52, 2007-01-06

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

I know htis is horrilbe for me to say, but I hate to see how Bobbi's (Cody's biological father) other children have turned out, because The ADHD and ODD are genetic from what eveyrone says now, and I think we've done as good as anyone can with Cody, but his other children are pretty much left to fend for themselves. The boy who is two years younger than Cody has already been in trouble with the law, and I never ever want Cody to go through that.

Moore ideas · Moore Ideas Not More Ideas!

Okay, I'm the person to talk to here!!!

We've had extensive experience with private day schools, boarding schools (both single sex and co-ed), and military academies.

First of all, eight years old is far too young to send a child away. High school is soon enough.

Secondly, not all private schools/boarding schools/military academies are the same! You have to be very careful in your search, and you also have to be prepared to admit it if you make a mistake.

We have had some wonderful experiences with some of my children's schools (and my own experience with boarding school), and some horrible disasters.

Expect to pay a hefty tuition! Again, however, it varies...

On the bright side, if you find the right match, it can be an awesome experience, and an investment that you won't regret.

For an eight-year-old boy, I would begin by investigating nearby private day schools. If you're looking for somewhere that will underscore good values, then be absolutely certain that the private school you select has a functioning Honor Code.

I can expand on any of these comments if you want me to. Let me know where you live, and maybe I can make some suggestions... Email me privately if you don't want to post that information!

Moore ideas · Moore Ideas Not More Ideas!

PS... The ropes course thing is a great idea. Is your son involved in scouts yet? Also, have you investigated to see if Outward Bound has a program for younger children? I know that they have programs for teens, but never looked for the younger ones...

It sounds as though Cody needs a lot of structure, but the kind that helps to build confidence, and character. But, you want to be very careful not to send him to the kind of place that will demean him, or actually end up undermining his confidence because it's too strict, and even borderline abusive. Believe me, those are out there!

Tess0707 · Senior Member

Jessica, I agree with Moore's recommendations.

My daughter attended private schools, and she did extremely well in them. That being said, my decision to send her to private schools outside of the town we lived in had some definite pressures for me as the parent. First off, there was the cost. I was paying the same amount of money monthly for her tuition, as I was paying for my mortgage. It can place some serious financial constraints on a family. Second, there was the challenge of transportation. I participated in car pools, paid for van pools and basically was a cab driver until the day that my daughter obtained her license.

Alot of private schools do not have the resources to have staff to deal with children who have needs beyond academics and sports.

My suggestions are:

1. Find a good councilor to help Cody deal with his ADD and any agression issues. This individual should also be able to supply you with some suggestions related to coping and dealing with misbehaviors.

2. Involve him in sports, where he will be able to find an outlet for excess energy. Swimming is an incredible sport where children can really thrive, use extra energy and develop some really great team/individual skills. Most YMCA's have GREAT swiming programs.

3. Get him away from the TV, and anything that is related to entertaining him through visual stimulation. If he wants to play a video game, or watch a movie, replace it with a ball and glove, or a book.

I'm a firm believer in nurture verses nature. I don't believe that anyone is destined to become a delinquent based upon a gene pool, and that we as parents ultimately shape our children's destiny through our actions and reactions.

I could tell horror stories about my daughter's father, and his son, but ultimately they are their own people, and my daughter is a wonderfully well adjusted responsible 21-year-old, who will graduate college this spring. It's all about nurture, love, direction, patience and support.

IMHO...

kris · Twilight Posting Princess

i actually have some resources & suggestions for you.

it sounds like your little guy is quite a handful. i have a message board for you to explore: www.conductdisorders.com . tons of parents w/kids a lot like your son....same issues for sure. i've been a member there for six years....joined when jarrod suffered from major depression & never left tho i don't post as often anymore. it's a very gentle place.

no military schools. from everything i've heard they are NOT sympathetic to kids w/adhd, ODD, or other disorders & behavioral issues.

he's really young so i wouldn't even consider a boarding school at this point. a good resource for finding a specialized day school for him would be an Education Consultant. like an professional you hire check out her credentials.....make sure he/she doesn't over~recommend any one school. i'm going to link you to a document we call a Parent Repot on CD.com. it will help you to clarrify your son's needs & your goals for him.....whis will help an EC determine the most appropriate school for him: http://forum.conductdisorders.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=10431&an=0&page=2#Post10431 . DO NOT try to prepare this document in one sitting. it takes time to sort all the info & think about goals, etc.

i have to commend your determination to get your son the best you can now & not bury your head in the ground. there are a lot of parents who won't face the issues until their kids have dug an incredible whole for themselves. you're doing the right thing.

i'm betting you can find the right day school setting for your son if you get professional help & do your own research. that site i mentioned also has extensive archives & i believe among the archived sections there is a good list of questions parents should ask (based on members experiences) when evaluating a school. it also has two really sharp ladies who run the spec ed forum who can help you w/what you should be looking for. (let me know if join up so i can be sure to welcome you lol).

hope some of this helps.

kris

Moore ideas · Moore Ideas Not More Ideas!

Absolutely, Tess.

While a person might be genetically predisposed to certain behaviors, if the triggers that would normally engage those predispositions don't occur, or if they do occur, but are dealt with appropriately, then a crisis is far less likely to arise.

Jessica, think of it as being a little like having an allergy. One might be highly allergic to bee stings, but if one is never stung by a bee then there won't be any problem! However, if that person is stung by a bee, but has the appropriate antidote, then a crisis can still be avoided.

One of my husband's coworkers is going through a similar dilemma right now. She has two grown biological sons, and one adopted son who is still in his teens. This young man has caused all kinds of difficulties for the family, even though she and her husband adopted him when he was only two years old. His biological parents both had alcohol and drug problems, and she's worried that he is genetically predisposed to have the same problems. To make matters even more unsettling for her, this young man's biological siblings (an older brother and older sister) live in the area, and have both been in trouble with the law. So...that just underscores her worries!

However, I still believe that with her continued dedication to the problems, this young man can get past his issues. He's currently in a military boarding school; he's already messed up there a couple of times, but the school is hanging in there with him, and we're all hopeful...

Because Cody is only eight years old, you still have plenty of alternative options to redirect his behavior towards something more appropriate! Obviously, you can't have a child attacking either you or his sister. But, if he becomes involved in plenty of constructive activities, he may not have the energy left to get into this kind of trouble. You also need to have lots of discussions with school counselors, and with his teachers. Until you find the right match schoolwise for him, you need to use whatever resources you have right now.

If he isn't already in scouts, get him into a troop immediately! This will take some of the pressure off of you because the troop leader will be the person in charge of addressing Cody's behavior, along with Cody's older peers within the troop. It will also get him to focus on valuable activities, and on community values. (Another personal example -- we have a young man in our neighborhood who is my youngest daughter's age. Interestingly enough, he too, like the son of my husband's coworker, was adopted from overseas, and also at a young age. He has been somewhat of a problem over the years, but I have to say that, in this case, his parents are a bit of a problem too!!! In any event, he became an Eagle Scout last summer. It's one of the few things that this kid has really nailed, and he was beyond proud of himself...)

Hang in there, Jessica... Your little community here will help you address Cody's growing pains!

Kris, I just saw your post, and you made some wonderful suggestions. An educational counselor is an excellent resource. My husband and I have not personally used an educational counselor, but we know a number of people who have.

-- Edited by Moore ideas at 10:08, 2007-01-07

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

Thank you guys all for all of the suggestions!!! I hate the idea of sending him away and it's great to hear about all of the alternatives to that. I'm deffinitely going to have to find out where the closest boy scout troop is because I know we don't have one here in town (small town not enough kids interested). The Outward Bound thing sounds good too even though I've never heard of it.

We were planning on moving soon, but I think we might stay nearby and get a house in our town and then use some of the money that would have been used on the house and add it to his educational funds. There really aren't very many private schools here in our town and I think the closest one is about 45 miles away. We do have a good Christian school that is only about 2500.00 per year and then I was going to see about getting him a personal tutor or something along those lines to help him get caught up. I try but I have found that he does better when a stranger is helping him. Unfortunately Cody's previous school was horrible, and we didn't know how bad it was until we got him into a different school. Instead of maybe holding him back or working more with him they were more interested in passing through to the next grade.

What got me was that they never thought he had any behavior problems at all. I was so relieved (because I thought maybe I was overexaggerating things at home or just going crazy) when his new teacher here in Taylorville was talking with my aunt and they agreed that he's the kind of boy who has a good heart, but you can tell him and tell him to not do something but he'll look right at you and do it anyways. I really like that she doesn't want to write him off as a child with a learning disability. We mentioned an IEP at the beginning of the year but she wanted to wait until after he got help with his ADHD/ODD before doing that because she figured (and is right) that he is a very very smart boy, and once we can get him focused in and past his issues, he will have no problem at all getting caught up with just a little extra help.

So send me any information you can send me I am open to everything, and at this point so is he. It's sad because I know he's sick of getting in trouble and he realizes after the fact that he's actually hurting us and nearly hurt me pretty badly the other day and he feels bad, and I worry that that will lead to depression. We go see his doctor Monday and I am going to see if we may need a stronger dose of his Concerta, because it seems like he is ok for a while, but later in the evening he has major problems, where before it lasted the entired day. I figure with him growing so quickly right now, he'll probably go through a few different doses every so often.

My aunt did suggest something that we went ahead with. She has read on animal therapy, so I'm giving it a shot. we already have a cat well he's only 5 months old but he's been more of a whole family pet and my husband has done most of the work with him and all, but we found a kitten the other day and he's going to be the "family kitty" and Sora (the older cat) is now Cody's (actually we had intended on the kitten being his, but Cody seems to be very attached to Sora so I have no problem letting him take more care of him). So we moved the cat's bed and bowl into Cody's room and it's his responsibility to remember to keep him fed and watered and at night the cat sleeps in his room plus he gets to earn toys for both of them to play with when he's been very good. We've only been doing it for about 3 days now, but it's working very well. I remind him when I feed the kitten, but usually he's right on top of it, and instead of a normal time out when he's getting out of hand he takes Sora with him and it seems to calm him down more quickly.

Well guys I just realized it's 12:35 am so I should wrap things up. Of course you all will hear more tomorrow, or if my heartburn doesn't leave later tonight lol.

Moore ideas · Moore Ideas Not More Ideas!

Jessica, who diagnosed Cody's ADHD, and how was it diagnosed?

If this wasn't done through very specific testing by a psychologist who specializes in these kinds of tests, then you may want to have this done. I ask the question because it has become very easy these days for teachers, and even pediatricians to automatically lump behavior issues into the ADHD category.

Cody may have food allergies or he may even have depression which mimics the behaviors of ADHD in younger children.

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

Well his counselor and psychologist sent home a couple of papers for me, my husband, his teacher, and my aunt to fill out (my aunt because she sees him almost every day) Then I suppose they combined the scores from the information taken from us with the assessments that they took in office and found that he had ADHD and ODD. I knew he was ODD because I had read up on it and it was him to the hilt, but I wasn't sure about the ADHD I figured maybe ADD because of his school problems; however in retrospect the hyperactivity makes sense.

I have decided also though to no longer let him stay with my dad. It seems like every time we let him go there he comes back a million times worse. I know he's going to think of it as a punishment, but it's more to keep him from making things worse for himself. His pediatrician wants us to restrict all the junk food he eats and keep sugar to a necessary minimum, because he thinks that his diet is effecting his behavior as well, but every time he goes there no matter what we tell them he ends up eating crap all weekend long and a ton of sweets. I offered a compromise that he could handle a sweet treat a day while he is there, but they left cand out in bowls and cookies and he went crazy.

He came back from my dad's and all of his new Christmas clothes barely fit him anymore. He was about 5 lbs heavier after he came back, and it scared me to death because diabetes, and obesity run rampant in my family (my dad should watch his crap as well because he isn't so helathy) and he does so much better when we can keep him on a good balanced and healthy diet. So we decided Saturday that Cody no longer goes down there at least not until they can get the hint.

I wouldnt' doubt for a second that allergies could play into his issues, and it drives me nuts because we've told this to my whole family and they all comply except my dad, so from now on until he can get the picture he only visits when we are around.

I will talk to his doctor about depression though because I don't think they even checked him for that.

Moore ideas · Moore Ideas Not More Ideas!

Jessica, I looked a little more carefully at the Outward Bound programs, and it doesn't appear that they have anything that is going to help Cody out easily. They apparently do have some programs for kids in elementary schools, but they're school specific, and I don't see anything in your area.

He could probably participate in Outward Bound if there was a special group event set up for that purpose (like through scouts or something), but not on an on-going basis, or like a summer camp environment.

However, I do still highly recommend boy scouts, and you should also look into summer camps in your area, through the boy scouts.

Sugar can certainly be a problem with kids, but Cody might have allergies to other foods, such as wheat-based products, which is fairly common. It's not the kind of allergy that makes him break out in hives, but that could cause some behavioral problems.

Also, while the ADHD diagnosis might be correct, I'm not all that confident about the way that it was done! You really need to find a psychologist who diagnoses this disorder on a regular basis, through very specific testing. It usually costs about $200, as I recall. (We tested our oldest daughter many years ago.) They have the child perform certain tasks, some of which might be on the computer, and then do a very careful evaluation of the results. They will then send you a written report on whether they believe your child has ADHD, and why. I would NOT rely on a simple questionnaire to determine the results. While I'm sure that Cody's counselor and psychologist have seen his symptoms, etc., I think that I would want a more thorough diagnosis at this point. You may be giving him medication for a disorder that he doesn't have! Ask the psychologist to recommend a testing center...

Is Cody involved in outside sports activities? If not, add that to scouting! With the predisposition in your family for diabetes, and with Cody's misdirected high energy levels, he needs the physical outlet. So, find yourself a nearby scout troop, and stick Cody in some after school sports -- for whatever fits the season.

But first get him properly diagnosed, and explore the possibility of specific food allergies.

(PS -- you might also want to have his vision and hearing tested by specialists in both fields. School testing, and brief pediatric visits may not be enough to find a subtle difficulty that could be causing him to show poor behavior. Again, these problems, along with food allergies, and depression, are frequently misdiagnosed as ADHD.)

-- Edited by Moore ideas at 11:27, 2007-01-08

jessicad52178 · Jessica Almighty

Hmmm it deffinitely sounds like I will want to look into a second opion of sorts. They never did anything like computer testing or anything like that for Cody, so I'm certainly worried the he may have been misdiagnosed. I take Cody at 4 for a physical with his pediatrician, since Baseball will be starting very soon, well technically it doesn't start until May, but since baseball is his passion (and if I must admit he's very very good at it especially for a little shorty like him) so come February I enroll him in an evening camp type of thing in Springfield, they call it baseball boot camp, but it's loads of fun, and they get to play against other kids their age and sometimes a team of kids older than their team.

I will have to talk to his pediatirician about getting him tested for food allergies or checked in whatever way they do it, tonight, or if he could recommend a specialist for something like that. If he doesn't have to be on the meds that would be great!